83 Days without TV

Well,
I can tell you this:  "I've hit the wall."

It's been 83 days with no actual streaming television and today was the first day I nearly tore my hair out and got panicky.

I've tried this before.  About 10 years ago I went without a television set in my home for nearly a year!  It was an odd season, mostly good for many reasons, and somewhat bad for others.

The first thing that happens when I give up TV for any length of time is that I become much sleepier and  earlier in the day....sometimes even requiring an afternoon nap.  This extra sleep time usually lasts for around 2 to 3 weeks.  Then, at some point, one day I wake up refreshed and full of energy and can't wait to get some things done.  I stay very productive for another 2 to 3 weeks, when suddenly I hit the wall and become quite depressed.

At this point, if I don't start really connecting with real human beings, I start to sink rapidly.  But, my personality is such that connecting with people is not usually a difficult thing....ordinarily.  But now I live in Colorado!  And the culture here is such that connecting with others takes a great deal more effort.  It is a very "closed" society here....everyone wrapped up in their own families and their own little world.  Socialization is NOT a priority in this culture.  It's a shame, because folks here are quite nice and in some cases, just plain extraordinary.  But not OPEN.

I've hit the wall.  Today I panicked at the silence.  Even the sweet phone call from my sister in NY didn't last me very long.  I finished re-reading Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  There are now officially no friendly voices left.  Except God's...and my own.

Today, I have heard God's voice and it was sweet...and I have had to listen to my own thoughts and they were not life giving.  And that was startling.  And that was good.  I needed to be startled.  I needed to hear my own thoughts.  I needed to confront myself with the reality of my own spiritual health, or lack thereof.  I am needy...and now I must face it without all the other voices speaking.

I wonder what I will hear tomorrow?

Glory

"And the glory of the Lord shall cover the Earth as the waters cover the seas."

Roll down a window, open your door, step outside.  Look up.  Look around you.  Look inside your own existence.  Look Inward.  Do you see it?  Or perhaps I should say, "Do you perceive it?"

Glory.
Glory all around.  Enveloping, Penetrating, Saturating, Glory; all around.  The Glory of God.

What is the glory of the Lord?

Looking at the scriptures, it seems to be an ambiguous, all-inclusive, garbage term.  Loosely held, it seems to be a synonym for fame, notoriety, and praise.

But, something has been nagging me about this word for a long time.  I sense that "Glory" is not just some fluff word.  It has weight.  It has mass. It has depth.  It is rich, chewy, delicious and tasty.  It is luminous.  It shines.  Glory.  

What does it mean? (taken from my Mac Dashboard Dictionary)

glory |ˈglôrē|noun ( pl. -ries)1 high renown or honor won by notable achievements : to fight and die for the glory of one's nation.• praise, worship, and thanksgiving offered to God.2 magnificence; great beauty : the train has been restored to all its former glory.• (often glories) a thing that is beautiful or distinctive; a special cause for pride, respect, or delight : the glories of Paris.• the splendor and bliss of heaven : with the saints in glory.3 a luminous ring or halo, esp. as depicted around the head of Jesus Christ or a saint.verb [ intrans. ] ( glory in)take great pride or pleasure in : they were individuals who gloried in their independence.• exult in unpleasantly or boastfully :readers tended to defend their paper or even to glory in its bias.PHRASESglory be! expressing enthusiastic piety. •informal used as an exclamation of surprise or delight. • ( Glory Be) [as n. ] (esp. in Roman Catholic use) the doxology beginning “Glory be to the Father.”go to glory die; be destroyed.in one's glory informal in a state of extreme joy or exaltation.ORIGIN Middle English : from Old Frenchglorie, from Latin gloria."And the high renown, honor, praise, worship, thanksgiving, magnificence, beauty, distinction, respect, delight, splendor, bliss, surprise, delight, destructive power, death, extreme joy, luminosity, exultation, and boast of the Lord shall cover the Earth as the waters cover the sea."Jason Upton wrote:  "Let Your Glory and Honor fall on our face!  Holy Father rest in this place...Let the Fire fall, let the Wind blow, let Your Glory come down..."How is the glory of God perceived in your life with your eyes or the eyes of others?  God shares His Glory with us when we come into relationship with Jesus.  His glory becomes ours.  We contain it in these "jars of clay." Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who, for the joy (glory) set before Him, left his throne in Heaven and became one of us to redeem us and as Mylon LeFevre once sang, "buy us back as gifts for God."  From the moment we become part of His Body, we share the glory. But what does that mean in the real world?  How does that become tangible in our lives?  What does that look like?  As Moses exclaimed to Yahweh in Exodus 33:19, "Lord, show me Your glory!" we, too, proclaim...Lord, help us and all members of Your Body perceive your glory in our lives, in each other,  and in the world; help us to be vessels of Your Glory in these "jars of clay" to the Honor of Your Name.  How deep does His Glory go within you?  How much does it shine through you?  Do you perceive it even now?  Look for His Glory.  Let it flow....and the glory of the Lord shall cover the Earth as the waters cover the sea.  For some fabulous citations from the WORD about Glory, go to http://www.seekgod.org/bible/gloryofgod.html and allow the Holy Spirit to speak new, chewy, delicious truths about God's glory into your spirit as you meditate upon them.  Glory to You, Lord. 

Anxiety & The Peace

Every Sunday at church, we exchange "the Peace."  The Priest says, "The Peace of the Lord be with you." and we respond, "And also with you!"  then we pass the Peace of Jesus to one another.

Then, at the end of service, one of the last things we do is turn towards the Cross and the Liturgy continues:
Priest:  "All of our problems..."
People (point to the Cross) : "we send to the Cross of Christ!"
Priest: "All our sin...."
People: "we send to the Cross of Christ!"
Priest:  "All the devil's works...."
People:  "We send to the Cross of Christ!"
Priest:  "And all our Hopes...."
People (pointing upward): "We set on the Risen Christ!"

Every Sunday I do this.  Yet, right now my heart is racing because of anxiety over having a job and being able to pay my bills.  Today, my main goal is to create a budget.  Well, the Dave Ramsey term is "Spending Plan"  so today is my "Spending Plan" day.
I want to honor God with my stewardship, and right now, I'm really failing in this area.  It is my "last Frontier" in many ways.  but a crucial one, I think.  Somehow, I get the feeling, that if I can get this one area nailed down, a lot of others will fall into place.

So, All of my Problems and Failures and Weakness
I send to the Cross of Christ!
All my sin (failures, falling short, anxiety, sadness, anger, and self-loathing)
I send to the Cross of Christ!
All the devil's works (shame, guilt, and self-condemnation)
I send to the Cross of Christ!
And all my hopes (dreams, efforts to change, and intentions)
I set on the Risen Christ!

What are you struggling with today?  Go find yourself a Cross and set the record straight!

During this time of Lent, the Lord has led me again into the vast adventures of reading Isaiah.  It's so rich and chewy, meaty and delicious as I walk through this time of self-examination and course correction.

These scriptures are vivid prophetic paintings that still stir my heart and call me to action, and renew my hope once more for the future.  Several verses that remind me, as Tony Compolo once said, "Friday's here, but Sunday's comin'!" are the following:

Isaiah 51:11 (Amplified) "[The Lord God says] And the redeemed of the Lord shall return and come with singing to Zion: everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.  They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. "

another verse or two that struck me anew in the Amplified version was this:

45: 2:  "I will go before you and level the mountains [to make the crooked places straight]; I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron.

45: 3:  "And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name!"

45: 8:  "Let fall in showers, you heavens, from above, and let the skies rain down righteousness [the pure, spiritual, heaven-born possibilities that have their foundation in the holy being of God]; let the earth open, and let them (skies and earth) sprout forth salvation, and let righteousness germinate and spring up [as plants do] together; I the Lord have created it."

Finally 43:19 "Behold! I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs forth: do you knot perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it?  I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

The thing I have given up this year for Lent is TV!  It's already been challenging to come home at the end of a long day to be greeted by the silence in my home.

Yet, the silence has called me to the scriptures and to come once again face to face with Jesus. [Coram Deo] There is a sweetness to the silence when it becomes filled with the knowledge of His Presence and a music beyond description that my spiritual ears hear when the Holy Spirit begins to sing over me.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten in the haste of my days that there is a honeycomb dripping with His Presence and Love waiting to enrich and nourish me, even in the darkness of sitting with my sin and acknowledging my frailty and failure to achieve righteousness during this time.  O, taste and see that the Lord is good....

Once again as I "see" myself in the solitude, I am reminded that I am not alone, that He is with me, guarding, guiding all the way, He spreads a feast before me in the presence of my enemies (the forces of darkness that would accuse me and tell me I am forgotten and alone).

And, as He sings to me and once again opens the scriptures to me in a new light, I receive the vision of how He sees me, my filthy rags of righteousness replaced with His robe of white and His ring on my finger.  I am no longer the beggar, but the begotten.  No longer a slave, but an heir of the King and a partaker in the Kingdom.  I am a Princess in the Kingdom of the most High God.

As I "set my face towards Jerusalem" He goes before me because He knows the way to the Cross. And as we journey there together,  He lifts my countenance, He lifts my head. He heals my heart.

Blessings to all of you as the Lord leads us through Lent to the Cross and finally to our great Salvation and the day we will proclaim together, "HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!"

Coram Deo,
Tess

Walking Through Lent

Lent is an amazing time.

It causes me to take Jesus's sacrifice very personally.  

I forget sometimes that He came for me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

It brings me to a place of mortality and mortification.  It is a time of walking up to the Mirror of God and seeing myself reflected in it again.  What do I see there?

Rags.

Rags.

More Rags.

So much brokenness.

It is a time of knowing who I really am, seeing myself again reflected in the mirror of righteousness.

So human.

So depraved.

So sinful.

So needy.

And yet.....

it is a time when Jesus comes to stand behind me and I see Him reflected there lovingly and graciously supporting me.  

He begins to point out the beauty He sees in me.

He speaks wisdom and forgiveness and holiness to me.

And, slowly I begin to see myself in the light of His knowledge of me.

Somehow, those rags begin to look a little cleaner, less frayed.

My need, instead of a heavy chain, becomes a link to His Heart.

My depravity becomes like dust that He shakes off of my clothes.

He takes it all and replaces it with righteousness.  His own righteousness.

As I gaze steadfastly into the mirror, I come to the point where He is all I see.  His Face, His hands, His Feet, His side.

He is all I see.  

I keep looking, I no longer "see darkly."  

Lent brings me face to face with reality, and changes my gaze, lifts my countenance, fills my vision.

It is a precious time of coming face to face with what is real, what is true about who I am and my relationship with the One who gave Himself out of Love for me alone.

It brings me Face to Face with Jesus as he lays himself down on My cross.  

I can't take my eyes off His Face as they bang in My nails to His hands and feet and gouge My crown of thorns deeply into his brow.

"Just keep looking into my Face." He says.  "Don't look away. We're together in this."

This is Lent.

What is Coram Deo?

My sister, Vanessa, introduced me to the phrase a few years ago when I was struggling to keep my focus. Vanessa is always the forceful voice of spiritual reason for me. When I feel lost she is always able to help me get back to center. Don't we all need someone like that in our lives? But even if we have them, do we heed them?

Coram Deo. Loosely translated, it means to be "in God's Face" or "face to face" with God.

My wise sister met me in a spiritual place and realized I was frantically looking to and fro from person to person and situation to situation to find security, when what I really needed to do in that moment was to stand still, shut up, and stare God in the face. Literally, to get in His Face so closely that He filled even my peripheral vision....

Just stand there, look Him in the Face, and forget everything else until I could hear His Voice, and stand at peace. And that is what I did. And that is what happened.

Henri J. M. Nouwen, my favorite author, in his book "Reaching Out: Three Spiritual Movements" speaks of moving from a "restless loneliness" to a "fruitful solitude."

Coram Deo.

As I write from time to time in this blog I hope to be very intentional about where I'm going and how I get there and honoring my relationship with the Trinity as I go along.

As C. S. Lewis said, "Further up, and further in!" Come with me.

Coram Deo.

Tess